365

At the end of every 12 months on the rotation we are forced to sit down and produce some vague attempt at self-reflection. 
This is what I came up with 3 months after that deadline...

            A year is nothing anymore. Months are swallowed up by call rosters and weekend rounds. When time is measured in 3 month rotations it doesn’t take that long for 4 of them to fly past.

Self reflection sounds easy enough when you say it – in reality, putting these words on paper has been trickier than sedating a ‘Downsie’.

But ok, here goes.

I swear a lot more – if you spent 60 minutes with me you’d probably never say it, but it’s true.  In my head mostly, but occasionally under my breath when I’m running to a resus, or I’m struggling to intubate the 800g prem. Almost always when I put down the phone after the lab has called with a potassium result and pretty much after every phonecall from Hanover Park MOU.

It’s been an education in people.

 In how they wear their insecurities - interns and consultants alike. Some cowering behind them and some disguising them as impatience or condescension.

 Also, in how some people have no willingness or capacity to give beyond what is expected to the detriment of the group,  and equally so, how others struggle with the ability to say no to the detriment of themselves.

The most interesting skill I’ve had to acquire is the ability to work quickly and thoroughly and under pressure. Interesting, because it is completely contrary to my slow metabolism.

In my comfort zone I like to work at a pace that enables me to be thorough and thoughtful, and beyond a certain pace my brain starts missing things.

In reality though the workload is mostly too overwhelming for slow, but the kids are sick enough to demand thorough and thoughtful. At the same time they’re sick at 3 in the afternoon when you’re relatively fresh on a shift, but they're no less sick at 3 in the morning, when you’ve sat down for maybe 30 minutes in the day and your brain is running on cortisol and red bull.

I’ve had to start treating calls like a series of short sprints and less like long marathons.

The second is negotiating a healthy balance between me time, work, friends, God, fiction and non-fiction reading. I get the feeling this is a learning curve your whole life – and different seasons lend themselves to the waxing and waning of different demands. Some days the balls are miraculously being juggled in the air. Most days they are all over the floor.

Do I feel smarter…

            Mostly no.

I don’t fee l any more skilled in telling the difference between a pansystolic murmer and an ejection systolic. What I know about intropes is embarrassing. I’ve worked in ICU for 3 month and I don’t think I could find the Newport Ventilator on switch if I had a manual. That being said – I’ve spotted a DKA on the triage bench, clerked in a kid with hippus and a ‘milkmaids grasp’ and recently even a congenital rubella.

Baby steps.

Do I still love this?

I think so.

I mean at least once a month I dream about leaving it all to go run a well baby clinic in a Karoo town and bake cupcakes in my spare time.

But I work with some of my all time favorite people.

I get to go on ward rounds with some of the most respected names in Paediatrics in the country.

And the little people – they never stop amazing me.